Drs. Barbara and Michael Grossman share that having a “good marriage” is not enough. You both have to continue growing and learning to keep stress levels down, to understand yourself, to be accountable and to support your partner in all aspects of life.
Our topic really is, we’d like to draw your attention on how there’s more at stake in creating a good marriage than just a good marriage. I believe that a good marriage will grow you and develop you like nothing else.
I just finished talking to a couple about how valuable it is to learn how to understand yourself, understand what’s under inevitable resentments in life.
How to express your hurts, how to understand that what bothers you represents an unexpressed need or desire that you can make requests about.
A relationship forces you to go inside and understand yourself, to tell the truth and then be accountable for the things that you promise.
It is really a structure for building a deep wisdom about how right behavior creates a good and happy life. And then beyond that, as partners – there’s so many things you need to accomplish. You want to support each other’s growth and competence in your projects, in the business or work world.
You also need to learn how to partner in parenting, which means you need to learn to work together, be on the same page, have a structure of rules and chores and general family routines so that you’re working together to create order in your house.
You teach your children order, and it keeps stress low. It allows for deeper connection among your family, just so many things that you need to learn.
And I tell parents all the time that when you become parents, after the infant stage is over to create a structure in the house, it’s the learning curve is equivalent to getting an MBA. Because you become managers of your household, you are no longer just members of your household. You are managers, and you have to assume a higher level of organization and partnership together.
So there’s so much to learn in your marriage that will build your skillset and create wisdom for your life. And so I heartily encourage all of you out there to invest in learning what you need to learn to build a great marriage.
So what happens in a good marriage is that it’s not just about being happy. Being happy is sort of like a side effect that may occur some of the time. But there’s a process of growing and wisdom, growing in your own individual development.
As a human being, to become, as Dr Barbara says, more competent.
But also you have a bigger experience of being a human being. Well, it’s like the difference from being a 10 year old to being a teenager – it is a big difference. That it’s not just about being happy to come from a 10-year-old… you’re learning a whole new way of being in the world.
Being a teenager compared to being a 20 to 30 year old is very different, and it’s not just about being happy, but it’s about growing in certain ways. And as you grow into your forties and fifties – there’s so much growth that’s there, and it’s hard to measure that growth.
It’s not about being happy, and experiencing life in a way that brings your fulfillment is much more than being happy. Happiness is a side effect of really appreciating your life, and we encourage each of you to be focused on growing and developing yourself, developing your skills, developing your ability to see the big picture of what life is.
And we all want to accomplish and achieve a lot of things in our life and accomplishment brings a deep fulfillment much deeper than just being happy.
And so we encourage you to take our courses and classes, which teach you the skills that you need to be able to develop yourself. And, of course, the classes are available online. Go to www.themarriagemap.com, you get information and get our information about our classes.
Yes, I would add that the process of growing and learning about yourself and sharing yourself in solving these problems, does create a connection. That’s very lovely.
You want to feel connected to your partner and you want to feel intimate. You want to feel like your partner knows you and you know them, and you’re working together to create and fulfill your goals. So while in the moment you don’t judge your marriage by if you’re happy – the fact that you’re connected and you understand each other and you’re working together creates a real joy, real satisfaction in life.
I encourage you to seek that and learn the skills that produced that. We believe we teach that. So you’re welcome to connect with us and join us in our courses and read our book, The Marriage Map and grow your life. We want all couples and families to stay connected and grow together and enjoy a meaningful life.
And then quality that Dr Barbara was describing, of feeling that more intensity of love. That is such a different thing than the quote “being happy”.
You could be happy because you win, a big toy at some event, and it makes you happy. You get happy for 10 minutes. That’s nice.
But the kind of thing that brings fulfillment and inner joy is that deep love connection with your romantic partner, with your children, with your parents and that’s what we want to create for you…that deep, deep love that comes from developing yourself.
You cannot love intensely unless you have the ability to appreciate from a deeper level. The love that you have when you’re 50 for your partner is different than the love you have when you’re 10 years old and you love your teddy bear – it’s not the same thing.
So we want the deeper love for you and it takes work to get there. It does, and we want you to put that work in. So come and join us, take some of our classes, read a book, The Marriage Map, which is available online.
You can get it from our website at themarriagemap.com, and we look forward to speaking with you again next week.
Thanks so much! Wishing you love. Thank you.