Dr. Barbara Grossman and Dr. Michael Grossman explain the importance and positive effects of keeping a healthy sexual relationship in your marriage or romantic relationship.
I’m Dr Michael Grossman, an anti-aging physician specializing in keeping you healthy and keeping you young. I’m Dr Barbara Grossman. I’m a licensed individual marriage and family therapist, I’ve been working with couples and individuals for close to 40 years.
We’d like to talk to you today about the importance of a healthy sexual relationship for your marriage. For your romantic relationship. It’s not just something that makes you feel good. It’s really, really very important for your physical health, as well as your emotional connection.
So there’s lots of studies, medical studies showing that a good sexual relationship – very important for your health and well being. For your longevity, for reducing illness, reducing stress, blood pressure issues, for helping you to have a balanced life and the hormonal changes that occur during sexual activity are very, very healing for your physiology.
And there’s lots of research showing that people with health and sexual lives live longer and have a better quality of relationship. We know that the quality of your relationships after the age of 50 is the most important factor in how long you live.
So there’s been a variety of studies showing that the most important factor in that longevity is not blood pressure and cholesterol and diabetes, but is actually the quality of your romantic relationships.
And that influences so many of the things in your physiology, so many other things in your life. So this is not like an optional thing. This is really critical.
So I as an anti-aging physician, I want you to have the best experience of youthfulness and enjoyment of your life and having a good sexual relationship – a very, very big part of that.
So we know everybody’s busy. Everybody has lots of responsibilities. The day is long and we’ll all be tired,, but it’s important that we set aside and make a schedule from getting together regularly.
I actually suggest that we aim for every night, or every morning and you make sure that you’re touching each other.
And you can read books and you can learn all kinds of exotic techniques. And that’s all fine and good. But it’s the open heart, and it’s the just the physical connection of touching each other and bringing your heart. Bringing your attention to your partner.
That brings pleasure, and joy and makes relaxation in connection available to you so important.
Now if what I’m suggesting doesn’t sound interesting to you, if you have lots of excuses for not being intimate together on a regular basis, it’s probably because there’s hurts, resentments in the way. And there’s important things to talk about.
If you don’t know how to talk about those things and resolve them, we’re happy to share our our skills with you in our Falling In Love Forever course that’s available starting…the next course is in January and these air good skills to have because you don’t want to have hurts accumulate, injuries and resentments that get in the way of really feeling connected.
What Dr Barbara was describing is that when there’s little resentments that come into your relationship. If you don’t deal with it, it just builds up.
If you just sort of swallow it and just say about all this is the way it has to be… and then as time goes on you build up more and more of these resentments, and these hurts, and they just build up. And then begin to build an emotional wall between you and your partner.
And to feel like you want to pleasure your partner, through sexual activity becomes – not so interesting. Not so desirable. You just feel like – who wants to do that?
It’s emotionally difficult when you have a little resentment that comes up. And you have the skills, as Dr Barbara says, you have the skills that you learn from our classes. Perhaps where you learn to dissolve those resentments.
Then what happens is that you love to please your partner. When you first met, and you were courting, you love to please your partner. It was such a joy to please them. You just loved whatever made them happy. You just wanted to do that.
That’s what makes courting so much fun, and they do that for you. You do that for them, and it just builds and builds. The pleasure of being together is just so delightful. You decide. Oh, I’ve got to get married to this person. That’s so wonderful.
Inevitably, after you get married over the years, resentments build up. Unless you have the skills to maintain dissolving those little upsets that come up, those upsets will happen and you can dissolve them. And it takes the ability to be skillful. Till that, you can dissolve the resentments.
You tell your partner, “gee, when you said that it really hurt.” “When you did this, it felt really bad to me…”
And then your partner says well, “I had no idea what department says….” Well, yeah, you should have felt her because… And you have to talk about it. And you have to share in such a way that you can dissolve all those resentments.
So ultimately you’re free of resentment where you don’t necessarily agree with each other. Barbara and I, there’s a lot of things we don’t agree about, but we don’t have any resentments because we’re caught up – where were current.
So even though we don’t agree, we have different personalities and she would like me to be neater, and I’d like her to have better organizational qualities, I’d like for her to be less concerned about neatness – and more concerned about functionality.
I like my towels where it’s convenient. She likes everything neat. But you accept each other and you deal with it and you and you share with each other. And that creates the sex life that really works because your current you’re not holding back resentments. You want to please them.
And the difference is actually during the sex life, too. It’s like water. It’s like water. You know, the rain is like a funny thing. You get wet, and it’s a little disorganized, and it’s a little chaotic, but it brings that nourishment, the difference is, is what makes for sexual pleasure. That I can love Barbara, who’s so different to me and she can love me, who’s so different from her.
Because if you don’t have resentments that builds up the pleasure. Builds up the pleasure and the intensity is there.
Sexual pleasure requires loving someone who’s different than you. If they’re exactly the same as you in every way, you love them like a brother and sister – but there’s no sensual pleasure there.
So we encourage you to celebrate your differences. You can disagree with your partner. But you have to get those resentments to be gone. That’s what’s critical. And then you’re gonna be in a healthy place, where your emotions are healthy, your body and your physiology is healthy. Your psychology is healthy and you are also experiencing pleasure.
So sex is an opportunity to give each other exclusive attention, to relax and release the pressure of the day. And to connect with a joy and a pleasure that is emotionally intense and personal, as well as inpersonally spiritual and deeply gratifying. It’s a wonderful way to share love with your partner.
We encourage you to make a schedule and make a date and keep your dates and be together – connect, touch each other, love each other and celebrate your love.
And I will invite you to listen to my discussion on sexuality. If there’s anything going on with the sexual functioning doesn’t work for you, we have so many new technologies that help. I encourage you to listen to my discussions on the OC Wellness side of things.
You can change this because sensual, sexual pleasure with your romantic partner is not an option – it’s something that is critical to your health and well being. It’s critical to your psychological well being and your physical well being.
So, do pay attention to this and do put this as a priority. As Dr Barbara says, you make a schedule. You don’t have to feel like I have to have this intense passion…
No, you could just say okay, you know, we’re gonna have sex twice a week, and looking to set up a time. And we’re going to set up a situation that works for us and for the kids and for time, away and for vacations and you create a whole evening, where this is all set up for you.
So we encourage you to do that because you don’t want to just wait for it. It’s an important part of your health and wellness, psychological and physical.
We’re here wishing you love. A pleasure to be with you. We look forward to seeing you again.